funny quotes

haha i found some very nice funny quotes haha shall share wif ya....

1)
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.


2)
Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.


3)
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.


4)
Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!


5)
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.


6)
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.


i add on one more
7)
There are no lame jokes or people, jus lame jokers and listeners and thinkers


8)
You laugh because I'm different...........I laugh cause I just farted!


9)
Men are like bank accounts.Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.


10)
What you call dog with no legs?Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.


11)
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.


12)(this one is power)
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.


13)
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.


14)
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.


15)
If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.


16)(this one is cool haha)
Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.


17)
Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.
(in my sec sch there is really a guy who gave this excuse, the teacher is like stun for 3 sec la)


18)(this one is from george bush thats why is funny)
I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them. - George Bush


19)
"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house."


20)(this one is power ex-lax is sth make u shit and shit)
"You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough."


21)
"A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch."


22)
"I ain't sleeping. I'm just taking a good look at the insides of my eyelids."


haha okok never ending de... haha shall stop for today...

Joke joke

1)
Early in the morning the sun rises from the east. A bird flew 1km from east to west.
it took the bird 1 hour to reach his destination. Still in the morning the same bird flew from west to east, but it took the bird 2 hours to get back.
why ???

Ans: Cos when flying towards east, the bird flying towards the sun then very bright.
so the bird one hand cover the eye, the other to flying.


2)
One man was trying to eat this particular brand of photochips but no matter how hard he try he cant eat or bite the photochips, the only way to eat the photochips is to lie down on bed and eat.
why???

Ans: Cos the photochips brand is call Lays(u need to lay down to eat the chips)


3)
this one is from my fren
(Chinese and hokkien version)
A boy was with his grandfather. Then a metal tin fell from above and hit the grandfather head and fainted.
when rush to hospital, the boy told the doctor 10 words.
What is the 10 words?

Ans: gong gong gong gong gong gong gong gong gong hin
(tin) (hit) (grandad) (grandad)(blur)(grandad) (faint)
so it shld sound like this
gong gong gonggong gonggong gong gonggong hin
in english means tin hit grandfather, grandfather blur, grandfather faint


4)
On the floor there is a 50$ and a 2$ note. The old man pick up the 2$ note only.
Why???

Ans: cos the old man feel shoik ma


5)
A big bad wolf finally caught the 3 little pig. The Wolf pick the small and finest pig to eat and release the rest. Why he release the other 2 pig???

Ans: Cos the big bad wolf is the shoik old man in disguise.


6)
Joke = haha
Joke + Joke = laugh out loud(LOL)
Joke + Joke + Joke = laugh my ass off(LMAO)
Joke + Joke + Joke + Joke = roll on floor laughing(ROFL)
Joke + Joke + Joke + Joke + Joke = ?????
Guess the ?????

Ans: KOF( not the game king of fighter but rather King Of Fruits)
So next time if is funny u type in msn kof kof kof... wahahaha


7)
ok got this very stupid joke, is christopher encourage me put in de.
How u put elephant into a fridge in 3 step?

Ans: 1) open 2) put in 3) close


8)
How to put a giraffe into the fridge in 4 step

Ans: 1) open 2) take out elephant 3) put in giraffe 4) close

9)
How you put stuff the monkey wif the giraffe in the same fridge in 5 steps?

Ans: got 2 version answer.
First version: 1) open 2) take out giraffe 3) stuff monkey into giraffe ass 4) put back 5) close
Second version: 1) open 2) take out giraffe 3) put the giraffe into a bigger fridge 4) put the monkey in 5) close

10)
There is a lion king meeting. Each animal need to send a representative.
Everybody is there expect which animal. who??

Ans: giraffe. u Must be asking wad about the monkey. The monkey representative is up on the stage holding simba(the baby lion).

Quotes

some quotes i find it nice

Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful.

Your ability to learn faster than your competition is your only sustainable competitive advantage.

Ppl who are not time conscious and dun have a sense of urgency will find themself in a situation where they got alot of things to do but little time to finish.

Never gif an attitude to people u respect unless u want the same attitude back

Continue to be stubborn headed and always wif the thinking that u r right. then u will forever be the bull that plough the field.

To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.

emo day post

wahaha super slack day din really wanna use my brain ... haha

but here got a joke

1)
In this world u are the only man or lady left.
U got the power to revive 2 ppl ...
ur decision will decide whether will mankind extinct.
So who shld u revive?

Ans: Pls do not revive ur love ones ... you shld revive adam and eve. dun ask y i also dun know ... cold joke i guess


2)
this one is took from my fren de
Why ppl wif surname Tan cannot be call May?

Ans: cos May Tan(sound like mei dan, no egg in chinses)

haha okok shall reveal more of this kind of joke after aug 31.


3)
The movie red cliff is base on a true story, guess where did it happen?

Ans: red hill.


4)
Why is red hill call red hill and not purple hill or black hill?

Ans: cos the small little boy is a human(u r dumb if u dun get it, is red cos is blood, is blood cos he is a human)


5)
Got a couple was playing golf then the ball hit someone's window
the couple went to ring the owner's door to apologize.
no one answer.
just then a man open the door.
the couple immediately apologize.
the man said:" nonono no need , i shld be saying thank you, cos u see i am a genie trap in this bottle, jus nice ur ball broke the bottle and u free me, so in return i will grant u each a wish"
the couple was delighted. the guy said his first wish. is to have different series of sports car.
the beautiful lady said she wans millions of money.

the genie said:" ok i will grant u both ur wish only if ur beautiful lady slp wif me"

the couple argue but for the money and car sake, finally they agreeded.

After the deed is done, the genie said to them, ok your wish is granted, when u go back home u will see the cars and money there.

and so the couple happily went off.

When the genie close the door, he was luffing saying:" wa so shoik man the girl and they are so stupid, i cant believe still got ppl believe in GENIE"


6)
KK this joke is funny only if u answer the question immediately without looking at the answer

On the side of a busy road, there is 2 cats, name Francis and James.

Then suddenly James ran across the dangerous road.
Guess wad will Francis say to James after that?



Ans: Come on guess first ........ ( Francis will say ....................................Meow)
haha i bet most of u will say human language like Hey is dangerous or u shld not do that.. haha

Actually i prefer jokes posting

okok this one is from long ago de ... not my own orginal idea ... but i added my own into in.

1)
man tou(bun) and cha siew bao(pork meat bun) went to watch a movie.
why cha siew bao cry and man tou did not cry?

Ans: cha siew bao got fillings(feelings)


2)
cha siew bao went to watch movie wif da bao(big meat bun)
cha siew bao cry but why da bao cry even louder?

Ans: da bao got more fillings(feelings)


3)
da bao went to watch movie wif cai bao(veg bun)
why cai bao cry but da bao did not?

Ans: they watch liao zai( the chinese show 聊斋） )


4)
cha siew bao went to watch movie with ji bao(chicken bun)
ji bao cry but why cha siew bao did not cry

Ans: cos this is the third time cha siew bao is watching


5)
guess cha siew bao gender?

Ans: female pig cos the first show she watch wif man tou(Man head, u see is a man)


6)
After watching the show wif ji bao, cha siew bao was dump.
why?

Ans: cos ji bao feel cha siew bao is a flirt cos he is not the first guy she has watch the show wif. How he knows. Cos cha siew bao got fillings also no cry.


7)
Last qns, cha siew bao gif a explaination why she din cry, she was lying.
guess wads her lie?

Ans: she said:"i jus had my implant remove, so i have empty fillings now."


okok this is hard to understand ...

Bad Bad Bad

1)
How many apples are there on the tree?

Ans: 1 (look at the question number is above the word tree)


2)
How many apple does it take for u to understand the world.

Ans: 1, Newton understood wif jus one (qns 2 is not of the same format as qns 1)


3)
So now how many apples are there on the tree?

Ans: 0, the apple jus fell in qns 2


4)
A fat father jus have a fat baby born in his cleaning shop in america. Guess the son and dad name and why?

Ans: Dad is washington(cleaning shop = washing and is fat = ton), So son is Newton( new fat guy so new ton)


OK i was caught by my boss for using computer and not doing work. Die liao ... today shall end here. haha Bad day lies ahead for me ... Ooo No... I think this is the biggest joke for today...

5)
Eric not doing work guess 4 words?

Ans: Eric Rides Into Coffin.(ERIC)


Shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


this part is i edit de in the afternoon when is save ...

6)
my fren told me this morning PIE got 2 jam, one at enuos second at clementi
then i told him u dun need jam to eat the pie... the pie is tasty enuff ...

lame shit that make u sick

1)
What will u see at the end of the world.

Ans: U will see Jack Sparrow in Black Pearl at world end


2)
How do u get there?

Ans: Wif lots and lots of crap(remember in the movie the stone crab was moving the ship in the desert)


3)
Hairy human doing water ballet, guess an animal?

Ans: Sea monkey


4)
How does god dress and wad size does god wear?

Ans: Dress in red cape and little red underwear wif a S size tight shirt.(for those who dun understand ... is Superman dude)


5)
How come spiderman cannot get trap by his own web?

Ans: Already told u he is a spider. Have u ever see u spider stuck in its own web. if got that must be venom.


6)
Which superhero is the most inexperience?

Ans: green lantern, cos they are greenhorn. okok wth is this


7)
There are many superheros in singapore. who are they?

Ans: All those that serve NS before. Cos green color ma ... green lantern. u get wad i mean??


continuation
8)
What abt the navy and the airforce superheros?

Ans: nemo and the ironman.


9)
How to be ironman?

Ans: Either u join the airforce or u force air into ur body then u will be ironman


10)
i found on the net ... quite interesting

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing.
On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport.
During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi.
Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi.
Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi.
For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars.
Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.
The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"
There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"

Some stuff i heard read and felt yesterday

In life God closes one door but will opens another one for u ahead.
So u need to forge ahead looking for the next one.

Losing means u gain a chance of gaining more. Winning means u risk losing everything.

In life there are no ugly things, things is rate in a range of little beauty to eternity.

Courage is a 7 letter word that successful ppl learn to pick up.

One has to believe in yourself in order for others to believe in you.

Being negative will only brings u negative.

Jokes Jokes

wahahaha ...

got a few nice jokes today... got some over the weekend but i forget le ... cos i dun remember them ... i create and forget haha .


1)
The big bad wolf was chasing little red riding hood. then they ran into a train, lets say smrt train, both were trap inside, so obviously the little red riding hood got no where to run. so the wolf trap her. but the wolf did not eat her.... why why why ???

Ans: Cos in the mrt, No foods and drinks allowed in the train ....


2)
In a world full of vampires, human have found a very safe place to hide. Guess where is it???

Ans: In the mrt, Cos No foods and drinks allowed in the train ....


3)
In the batman cartoon, the joker villian did not die ... why ...

Ans: Cos i am still alive ... (ok this one is stupid)


4)
Why batman can fly, glide through the air

Ans: told you that he is batman le. obviously male bat can fly


5)
After the show batman the dark knight movie, an advertising agent walk up to batman and requested him to be the spokesperson for a company's product. Guess wad product?

Ans: strepsils. Cos in the whole movie he speaks wif a sorethroat voice.. hoarse voice.


6)
Why is batman called a dark knight?

Ans: Cos he wears a full armour suit including the face and is black in color(this is simple and logical, if u dun get it go get 2 tickets and watch spiderman and u will know why is he call SPIDER.....man )


k i copy this from internet cos i find it good
7)
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive! . As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

You Got Male(Mail)!!

Luffing Lamely

1)
If ur left fist is a bean
put your left palm on top of ur left fist. wad is it ??

Ans: soya bean (hand press bean = suo ya bean) suo is hand, ya is press


continuation...
2)
then now wad is the middle finger scolding sign the ,,,,
(a fist with the middle finger out straighten)

Ans: is Mr Bean. cos the bean got a male organ.(pe**s)


3)
How can 2 chicken make u grow hungry, guess 2 chinese words?

Ans: Ji1 Er4(starving in chinese)= chicken 2 in eng


4)
Why is the movie chicken little so funny???

Ans: cos chicken little = ji1 xiao3(chinese) = ji1 xiao4 also sound like u laughing at ppl


5)
There is a toilet wif 10 cubicles but most of the time ppl go cubicles 3 to shit. Why?

Ans: cos cubicle 3 got a eco friendly asshole washer (this one is random no logic de jus lame)


6)
Who is this world can make ppl go numb jus by speaking

Ans:
L.K.N (okok this joke is for my camp mates)
( L.K. sound like you talk in hokkien and N. sound like numb in eng)


7)
How can one be dead but still talk like a human

Ans: ghost la ... damn this is easy


8)
If u are trap in a tower there is 2 exit one on the left one on the right
outside the left side door there is magnifying glass when the sunlight shine thru it. wadever at the door will burn
outside the right side door there is big dragon that breath flame and will burn anything that move within it's human radar detector eyes
how do u escape without getting burn???

Ans: Escape using left door IN THE NIGHT. wahaha


9)
okok some are cold joke haha some are stupid joke ... tell u sth... pls laugh after that

i am the joker.....................................that





...................................acted in badman dark night movie



kk last one


10)
which website can make u either roll on the floor or drop dead on ur chair

Ans: The one u are staring at right now king of fruits, thats y u see u r on ur chair dropping dead soon.

Motivating Events

Nobody can say u cannot do it useless u urself say so.

be positive think on the bright side.
positive thinking will attract positive events to u
negative thinking will attract negative events to u
This is the Law of Attraction.


Never admit defeat till the very last minute,
Accept the defeat with glory after the last minute.
There is nth to lose but plenty to gain.
Failure is the road to success, always believe u learn and win in a way or two in other form.


Always Believe in these 2 saying:
If theres a will there is a way.
When the boat reach harbour will auto sail straight(Chinese).

okok abt these 2 lines that i always believe in is really true.
Sometimes we get very frustrated and headache abt some problems
that will like happen sometime later. and u r having headache trying to solve the problem...
try to relax ... cos between now and till then ... alot of other stuff will happen and will affect the problem and also the decision u going to make.
so relax smile joke be happy when the problem arises and there is a need to solve it ...
then u will naturally know how to go abt solving it. then jus do it ...

it really works well.

lame stuff

Dun whine and complain these are jus lame stuff ....


1)
How many shining stars are there in the sky?

Ans: One, cos the rest are call rocks(that reflects sunlight)


2)
How you travel to thailand

Ans: ThaiExpress


3)
Why Robbers have to be strong

Ans: So that they can hold up the bank


4)
Lao Gong san1 san4 zi3(faning the fan), guess 2 chinese word

Ans: Qi1 Liang2(wife cool, correct meaning is miserable)


5)
Why is Mas Selamat a 2/3 woman

Ans: Cos he is a wanted man. (1/3 man)


6)
Why a woman can never never find a husband

Ans: Cos woman( without man, wo = w/o = without )


7)
Why 3rd sergent always kanna most work follow by corporals 2nd sgt and other rank but also why private always can siam(escape) arrow

Ans: Cos 3rd sergent the rank got no roof top to block the arrow, private rank got nth there for the arrow to land on


8)
When there is minor earthquake in sg, why private rank will die

Ans: No rank = no base to support


9)
Major earthquake, why sergent survive but corporal and below die

Ans: Corporal not enuff base, sergent got 3 stripe of base


10)
Critical earthquake why only officers survive

Ans: Cos they flying in the air(their rank is on their shoulder above the rest)


11)
Why Warrent officers also die in critical earthquake

Ans: Cos they are trap in a sergent jail(their rank got a crab trap in the rank, crab mean themself) so althought they are flying when sergent die they die at the same time

Motivating Stuff

A piece of jade needs to be polished on a rough stone for luster to shine forth


Nobody is born a winner. Losers live in the past. Winners learn from the past and enjoy working in the present towards the future

There can never be more than one King Existing in a kingdom but there is can be alot of king alike ppl in a king empire ... which one will u choose kingdom or empire

if good exist there is sure to be evil. goodness exist cos of the existence of evil. if there is no bad ppl will police ever be created???

yup this are the current stuff i have will think more and get more idea too ...
ooo plus lame jokes

First Post of This Blog

Haha this blog will be jus lame jokes and motivational phrases and stuff like that